Thursday, June 1, 2017

Thursday, June 1st, 2017....

There's something to be said about endings and beginnings.

Yesterday, something ended for me. Today, I'm afraid of what might begin.

Content Warning: Self Harm, Alcohol Use

It's June 1st, and you probably need a little context to understand this. For a few weeks now, I had an insane crush on this bartender at my favorite bar. Like, insane. Can't stop thinking about him and really want to make out with him insane. And this is extraordinary for me, because I'm pretty much asexual. I don't really experience attraction to people and I'm rarely ever interested in physical intimacy either.

So, I was pretty floored by this.

But I wanted to see what might become of it as well, so I was spending probably way more time than reasonable or affordable at this bar, on the off-chance I might see him or interact with him. And because I was seeing everything through love-tinted lenses, I mistook a lot of "I'm paid to be nice to you and sell you copious amounts of alcohol" as harmless flirting.

And maybe there was a little of that, too. It's the industry for it, after all. A good bartender should be kind of sexy and thrilling, right? This guy is very good at his job, that's for sure.

I found out yesterday afternoon that he is happily married.

And I was crushed. On top of that, I was more than a little drunk. So I stumbled home in a daze, had a good cry and then relapsed. I cut myself again. It felt nice - the sting kind of brought me back to reality.

Today...I have to move on. It's a new day and a new life. I need to pull myself together and assess where I stand in my current relationship - which has opened up a lot. My partner is even dating around these days. I have no idea what the future holds for us anymore or how long it'll last....

I'm moving in a month. I need to find a new job. Things are shifting rapidly and I had just wanted one bright little spot of enjoyment or pleasant excitement in my life....

Oh well.


  1. Argh, that really sucks! Big hug! I hope you manage to stop harming again!

    1. Thank you, I think I'll have to cut alcohol out for a bit as well. Sometimes it's a great way to calm my anxiety, but it can also exacerbate any depressive or suicidal tendencies I have - a real double-edged sword.