Friday, June 23, 2017

Settling into Change - 6/23/17

I'm experiencing kind of a surreal moment right now. This is the last Friday I will ever sit in this office. This is the last Friday I will ever sit at my desk in my nice little corner, in my frigid little basement office, in this old-as-balls building on University Ave.

Next Friday, I will be reporting to our new offices several miles north of here, up in Little Canada. Don't panic - I still have access to transit, it's just gonna be a nerve-wracking adjustment. I don't handle change well.

As evidenced by how weird I feel right now.

Yesterday, we started pulling everything off the walls and suddenly the space in here felt like it was looming in on us. A bunch of stuff (decor, excess furniture, etc) was piled into the conference room and we had a "silent auction" for some of it. Either we claimed it or it went to a good home in the dumpster. So I have, next to my desk, a scuffed up file cabinet that will be re-purposed into a cute little nightstand in my next apartment, a piece of wall art that I'm certain is going to look fabulous in my new kitchen, a tiny vase I can FINALLY put all my cute pink sea glass into AND a deck of Uno cards. Correct.

So all this is in my office with me, while I wrap up any last minute scanning and such. It just feels surreal.'s still our office yet it's not. I won't even have the same desk when we move - the desk I'm currently using is going to belong to an employee named Cecilia who works in a different department. Her name is taped onto my furniture right now.

It's weird.

At least I'll have a 4 day weekend for Independence Day - which is convenient because we get the keys to our new apartment that weekend as well. So it'll be busy, full of change, anxiety-inducing, etc. Like most holiday weekends are, for me.

Stay tuned....

Thursday, June 8, 2017

After the storm blows over....

...there is only the quiet stillness and the aftermath.

There's a full moon tomorrow - the Strawberry Moon or the Strong Moon - it's supposed to herald in a period of vim and vigor, of strong sunshine and reckless abandon.

Which is funny, because I feel anything BUT that, and it seems I'm not the only one. A couple of my fellow tumblr witches have been blogging about how purposeless and useless they feel, too, leading up to this full moon.

I wonder why that is.

In my case it's because I'm coming out of a really nasty sort of manic thing - a short period where I was getting really drunk, self-harming, and generally lashing out at people. But now that it's passed I simply feel - nothing. Numb. Kind of fuzzy. Directionless. Motionless. Suspended in the void, with no end in sight. It's not a pretty mental place to be.

With any luck though, once this full moon passes I'll be able to latch onto the coattails of that vim and vigor it promises and ride my way out of this funk. We'll see.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

The bottom drops out

So it's almost 1 pm. It's a hot, hazy, and humid Saturday - the first time it's reacher 90 degree F here this season and we're lethargically lying about, trying to summon the will to venture outside or even eat....

Yesterday was bad.

I'm coming out of a relapse and I'm not fully in my right or rational mind - so I posted photos of my self-harm wounds on social media. The backlash was swift. And intense. I guess I kind of expected that. I didn't expect to lose friends over it though - instead of offering support or even wishes that I get help for what's eating me, I got "You'll regret that." "You should stop." "Please don't hurt yourself." And while that's all very well and good, does absolutely nothing to address the fact that I'm hurting and THAT'S what should have been the focus of any comments. People will tell you to stop self-harming because it's a piece of knowledge that makes them uncomfortable, not because they actually care about the suffering of the person self-harming.

What a wake-up call.

Color me enlightened.

So a handful of people unfriended me yesterday and two of them even blocked me, so I can't even reach out and offer constructive criticism about better ways to respond to people with severe mental illness.

And this bitch....this one bitch....

She had the nerve to write me an essay long comment about how posting about my mental illness on Facebook isn't going to get me the help I need or "cure" me, like I didn't already know that, and how cries for attention would only backfire on me. It's just funny, because she approached it very much like a neurotypical presenting a case to another neurotypical, and NOT someone who was in a weird mental state where reality was in flux. So naturally, I lashed out pretty hard against her. What did she expect? You're trying to condescend to a mentally ill person who isn't quite right in the head and you expect a rational and understanding response? Fuck yourself, you don't get it.

Good riddance to that person too. It's my fucking page, I can post what I like and maybe I put those photos up for posterity and as a reminder that you never know who in your life might be suffering silently. I guess we're all just supposed to keep that suffering to ourselves or ONLY reach out to medical professionals/therapists. Well that's nice, Alexsandra, but we can't all afford to see medical professionals about ailments, certainly not when a therapy session costs $100 a pop and you have no health insurance. Hmmmm...

I'm just venting. I really am. Clearly....I can't do it anywhere else. And this is my blog, so if anyone comes in here and tries to tell me what I can post in my own motherfucking blog, I'm probably gonna lose my mind. Ugh.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Thursday, June 1st, 2017....

There's something to be said about endings and beginnings.

Yesterday, something ended for me. Today, I'm afraid of what might begin.

Content Warning: Self Harm, Alcohol Use