Thursday, November 24, 2016

Musings on Holidays and Stress

So today was Thanksgiving in the United States - one of those events founded on Native American genocide but glossed over into roasted turkey, football season, and gluttony disguised as gratefulness. Needless to say, I'm really not a fan.

But it did give me pause to reflect on something interesting. You see, I've come to a realization that I'm actually quite thankful for - I can't do retail. Just can't do it. Bright lights, open floor plans, the chaos of a million voices over a walkie-talkie, etc. It's not a work environment that's conducive to keeping my social anxiety at bay. It's also an incredibly overstimulating situation.

So I am thankful for now understanding more about myself and what I'm capable of.

And it's not Target. Goodbye red and khaki. We just weren't meant to be.🙀

But this is OKAY! You see, in the interim of finding another "real job™" I've come across a company that pays out for online transcribing and captioning work - and that's something I've always been a bit interested in. So I'm going to give that a go and hopefully make a little extra cash in between new job interviews and that painful three-week period before the first paycheck.

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While on the subject of money and paychecks, it's really terrible to be broke around the holidays. I'm not an overly consumeristic person, but it would be kind of nice to buy some little decorations for our apartment - just a small holiday tree, maybe some pretty candles and ribbons, some faux fir boughs....simple but seasonal you know?

Problem is, we can't even afford to buy food right now. Not until next Friday, anyhow. Until then we're relying on the bulk jasmine rice I have and whatever noodles might still be hanging out in the pantry. No meat, no veggies, no sauces....it's gonna be a pretty bland week. 

And I have to admit, I've become a little bitter and resentful, seeing so many adverts and images of luxury and EXCESS all over the place lately. Like, how many people had dinner with their family today and had so much leftover food they don't even know what to do with it? How many people like myself and my partner went hungry today? I guess the disparity is just a lot clearer to me right now...and I also know that once I get some solid work going again and we have two paychecks rolling in things will be easier. I definitely know that.

I guess I just wanted to vent. The holidays suck and often bring out the worst in me. 

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Bullseye. (o)


Last Wednesday, I had an interview with Target. They've currently got a lot of signs and posts up advertising their seasonal hiring and as I was in the market for a job (I've been looking for a LONG time now) I decided to apply. I got a call a day later to set up an interview for an apparel salesfloor/fitting room position.

My interview went really well, as I expected it would. I may be the most socially anxious introvert that I know, but I always perform really well at interviews. Keyword: Perform. I smile. I sit up straight. I maintain good eye contact. I answer questions honestly and amiably. I make painful small talk with my interviewer. And I almost always get the job....

Keeping the job is usually the hard part for me.

But to be honest - I like Target. I especially like the Target I'm going to be working at. It's in a good location and easy to commute to. It's large - there's a Starbucks AND a liquor store in it. The atmosphere is warm. It's feels very inclusive of lots of different types of people and that's great! I love diversity! I could probably be openly queer there and not get too much hassle for it.

They also pay a bit more than minimum wage, which is more than I can say for most other big box retailers. I'll take $10 an hour to hang up clothes and make sure things look neat and tidy. Why not?

And the "dress code" seems more relaxed too. Yes, it's still the prerequisite red and khaki - but I've seen red blazers over black tops, red plaid, dark red cardigans, beige skirts and capris, full on cargo pants, boots, flats, crazy red heels and all kinds of variations in the employees that I've observed there.

I start with my orientation Tuesday afternoon and from there....I can consider myself employed.

Friday, November 11, 2016

It's been a while, friends. I'm sorry.


It's been a rough couple of days, my friends. And I'm feeling it.

I was trying to avoid following the election up until the very end, but news about polls and debates and rallies just wouldn't leave me alone. So I've been kind of stressed out. Early Tuesday morning, I voted. I was scared, but optimistic. I knew the race would be a close one but I was sure....SO SURE...that Clinton would prevail in the end.

It wasn't until 10 pm Tuesday night that I really looked at the numbers. And then I started crying. It's Republican across the board. We're going to have a president that hates women, people of color, LGBT+ folks, the disabled, the mentally ill, and immigrants. We're going to have a vice president who thinks it's a-okay (even encouraged) to electrocute gay teens into being straight. We're going to have a republican house and senate who will let Trump do whatever he damn well pleases - ban birth control, overturn Roe vs Wade, outlaw Muslims, eliminate a living minimum wage, and probably try to put women back in the kitchen....

It's a disaster. I'm scared and upset. But for as much fear as I have of a Trump administration, right now I fear his followers and supporters most. Because these people are now validated in being open about their hatred of other people - black girls are being harrassed on public transit, anyone visibly queer is being spit on or beaten up, Muslim families are afraid to let their daughters leave the house wearing the hijab.

How could more than half of my country have this much hate and prejudice in them? How could this much of my nation be so horribly ignorant, xenophobic, and awful? I'm so disappointed in my own damn people right now....and I feel so ashamed and helpless. Because I voted. I voted for Clinton. I was by no means a fan of her, but Trump couldn't win....

And here we are.

I know it's not the end of the world. I know we're all gonna have to rise up and fight this shit. I know that. But for right now, I'm still in shock. Right now I'm grieving for the nation that I believed would do the right thing. Right now I'm angry and sad and scared.