Thursday, July 21, 2016

Written on the Window....

Most of the windows in this house are covered in dust, from the inside AND the outside. That's why the words scribbled on the outside of our bedroom window were really obvious to me when I went to open it the other day.

Someone pretty tall (like our roommate) had used their finger to etch the words "F**K YOU" into the dirt on the glass. The sad thing is, this roommate and my partner used to be pretty good friends. Heck, he's the one that talked his stepmom into letting us live here in the first place.

But this guy has also gotten really weird and distant lately too. It doesn't help that my partner and I are always fighting and that makes tensions among all house residents high. It doesn't help that I still haven't found a job. It doesn't help that it's been ungodly hot here in MN and everyone's been uppity.

It definitely doesn't help that our landlord tries to find any infraction to kick us out. Using the kitchen too late at night? "I need to sleep, if you can't accommodate my schedule, live somewhere else!" Watching an episode of Fringe before going to bed after midnight? "Some people in this house work you know? Keep it down!" Hell, just having a conversation about my partner's work day. "If I had to come down again and tell you guys to be quiet...."

And here's the thing - we ARE being quiet. It's late when my partner gets home from work - usually 11 pm or so. And we know that most people are in bed at that hour, so we try to keep it down. It's not our fault the walls in this place are paper-thin and you can hear a whispered conversation a room over. It's not our fault the only time we have a chance to eat together is at night. But we try to be respectful about it and that's just not good enough for her.

Which is ridiculous because we're paying to be here.

But not for long.

I'm scouring Craigslist trying to find people renting out rooms on the cheap and hopefully near my partner's work. I found one that might be perfect - it's in St Paul, a 30 minute train ride to work in downtown, and the price is right. I even emailed the guy to check the place out - problem is, he's no longer responding to my messages and it's really stressful, because I need this to happen.

Ugh...

I'm just tired of things not working out.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I've a long way to go, it seems...☞

It's a hot and humid Tuesday afternoon. I'm sitting in a bedroom, in a house owned by a friend's stepmom. The ground is finally drying up a bit after the downpour and lightning we had last night. I'm still yawning and struggling to keep my eyes open after what would ultimately be my first and last day at a new job...

In addition to being exhausted, I'm also upset.

So here's the deal: We've been living out of this spare bedroom in this house that's covered with dog hair and often smells of cat piss. The homeowner is a vile woman who insists on banging around pots and pans @ 7 am sharp every morning whilst complaining about her 'guests' not doing their dishes - side note: we do ALL our dishes right after we use them.



Anyways, Tyler got a job recently with Twin Cities Public Television as a canvasser - going door to door in different neighborhoods to try and raise money for public media. He really enjoys it, but he works 1pm - 9 pm, so this leaves me at home all day until that vile woman comes home and I have to seclude myself in the room to avoid her.

I've been searching for a lot of jobs myself lately, but with minimal gas funds (and ALL of that going to Tyler's work situation right now) even getting to an interview with a good place is nigh impossible. At least until he gets his first paycheck on Friday.

It was this intense understanding of how badly we need money - for real food, for gas, for getting the hell out of here and actually having our own place - that spurred me to apply for his job as well. And it seems they're always hiring, which means they have a high turnover, which SHOULD have tipped me off....

The interview went great. The orientation went great. I enjoyed being in the office down in St. Paul and meeting everyone. The place has great coffee.

It was when we had to go out on location - ironically in a wealthier neighborhood in the town I currently live - that it went downhill fast. See, I have severe social anxiety. I hate talking to new people, even more so when I'm knocking on some stranger's door to try and convince them to give me money for a cause they don't really care about.



And I had a panic attack. A pretty bad one. In some stranger's driveway. Let's also not forget that it was 91 degrees and incredibly humid, so I felt like passing out all day. After the shift was over and went back to the cities to regroup, I started to strongly reconsider if this was a job that I could even do, much less do well.

And I felt bad, because everyone was so excited that I had this job - my mom, my uncle who loaned me money to commute to it, even Tyler at first was happy for me. But when he saw what happened to me yesterday, I think he realized that I wasn't cut out for this kind of thing too. He regrets recommending it now.

And I....regret being such a fucking mess and letting everyone down. I don't even know how to tell people that I couldn't do it. That I failed. I've failed so many times in the past and this was supposed to finally work. I mean, I got a job on my mom's birthday and she was so excited for me. I feel like the world's worst person for letting everyone down...I guess I deserve all the bad things that happen to me...