In addition to being exhausted, I'm also upset.
So here's the deal: We've been living out of this spare bedroom in this house that's covered with dog hair and often smells of cat piss. The homeowner is a vile woman who insists on banging around pots and pans @ 7 am sharp every morning whilst complaining about her 'guests' not doing their dishes - side note: we do ALL our dishes right after we use them.
Anyways, Tyler got a job recently with Twin Cities Public Television as a canvasser - going door to door in different neighborhoods to try and raise money for public media. He really enjoys it, but he works 1pm - 9 pm, so this leaves me at home all day until that vile woman comes home and I have to seclude myself in the room to avoid her.
I've been searching for a lot of jobs myself lately, but with minimal gas funds (and ALL of that going to Tyler's work situation right now) even getting to an interview with a good place is nigh impossible. At least until he gets his first paycheck on Friday.
It was this intense understanding of how badly we need money - for real food, for gas, for getting the hell out of here and actually having our own place - that spurred me to apply for his job as well. And it seems they're always hiring, which means they have a high turnover, which SHOULD have tipped me off....
The interview went great. The orientation went great. I enjoyed being in the office down in St. Paul and meeting everyone. The place has great coffee.
It was when we had to go out on location - ironically in a wealthier neighborhood in the town I currently live - that it went downhill fast. See, I have severe social anxiety. I hate talking to new people, even more so when I'm knocking on some stranger's door to try and convince them to give me money for a cause they don't really care about.
And I had a panic attack. A pretty bad one. In some stranger's driveway. Let's also not forget that it was 91 degrees and incredibly humid, so I felt like passing out all day. After the shift was over and went back to the cities to regroup, I started to strongly reconsider if this was a job that I could even do, much less do well.
And I felt bad, because everyone was so excited that I had this job - my mom, my uncle who loaned me money to commute to it, even Tyler at first was happy for me. But when he saw what happened to me yesterday, I think he realized that I wasn't cut out for this kind of thing too. He regrets recommending it now.
And I....regret being such a fucking mess and letting everyone down. I don't even know how to tell people that I couldn't do it. That I failed. I've failed so many times in the past and this was supposed to finally work. I mean, I got a job on my mom's birthday and she was so excited for me. I feel like the world's worst person for letting everyone down...I guess I deserve all the bad things that happen to me...