Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I've a long way to go, it seems...☞

It's a hot and humid Tuesday afternoon. I'm sitting in a bedroom, in a house owned by a friend's stepmom. The ground is finally drying up a bit after the downpour and lightning we had last night. I'm still yawning and struggling to keep my eyes open after what would ultimately be my first and last day at a new job...

In addition to being exhausted, I'm also upset.

So here's the deal: We've been living out of this spare bedroom in this house that's covered with dog hair and often smells of cat piss. The homeowner is a vile woman who insists on banging around pots and pans @ 7 am sharp every morning whilst complaining about her 'guests' not doing their dishes - side note: we do ALL our dishes right after we use them.

Anyways, Tyler got a job recently with Twin Cities Public Television as a canvasser - going door to door in different neighborhoods to try and raise money for public media. He really enjoys it, but he works 1pm - 9 pm, so this leaves me at home all day until that vile woman comes home and I have to seclude myself in the room to avoid her.

I've been searching for a lot of jobs myself lately, but with minimal gas funds (and ALL of that going to Tyler's work situation right now) even getting to an interview with a good place is nigh impossible. At least until he gets his first paycheck on Friday.

It was this intense understanding of how badly we need money - for real food, for gas, for getting the hell out of here and actually having our own place - that spurred me to apply for his job as well. And it seems they're always hiring, which means they have a high turnover, which SHOULD have tipped me off....

The interview went great. The orientation went great. I enjoyed being in the office down in St. Paul and meeting everyone. The place has great coffee.

It was when we had to go out on location - ironically in a wealthier neighborhood in the town I currently live - that it went downhill fast. See, I have severe social anxiety. I hate talking to new people, even more so when I'm knocking on some stranger's door to try and convince them to give me money for a cause they don't really care about.

And I had a panic attack. A pretty bad one. In some stranger's driveway. Let's also not forget that it was 91 degrees and incredibly humid, so I felt like passing out all day. After the shift was over and went back to the cities to regroup, I started to strongly reconsider if this was a job that I could even do, much less do well.

And I felt bad, because everyone was so excited that I had this job - my mom, my uncle who loaned me money to commute to it, even Tyler at first was happy for me. But when he saw what happened to me yesterday, I think he realized that I wasn't cut out for this kind of thing too. He regrets recommending it now.

And I....regret being such a fucking mess and letting everyone down. I don't even know how to tell people that I couldn't do it. That I failed. I've failed so many times in the past and this was supposed to finally work. I mean, I got a job on my mom's birthday and she was so excited for me. I feel like the world's worst person for letting everyone down...I guess I deserve all the bad things that happen to me...


  1. You haven't let anyone down, and the people who love you will just be worried about you because of your panic attack today.

    My anxiety is always worse when I can't get enough sleep or look after myself properly. I love my job, but when I started I had panic attacks on a daily basis trying to get there in the morning (partly because of my home life situation at the time), eventually it got easier. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

    Don't give up on yourself either- you've done a lot of difficult things, so maybe if you give yourself time you'll be able to do this one too. If you can face another day tomorrow, try again. Take water,do deep breathing before you approach each house, practice some opening lines with Tyler beforehand, and see if it gets easier. If after a week you feel no better, then you'll at least have a paycheck to show for your hard work.

    Good luck, we are all rooting for you!

  2. It is not your fault, I know I have to think more carefully about jobs to apply for these days due to anxiety so I totally understand. I could not do a job like that! Hang in there, take care of yourself, the right job will come! Passing an interview is a good step, next to find a job you can do! Hugs!