Friday, January 23, 2015

How I Survive an Apocalypse.

I have had a rough couple of days, and through no fault other than my own. You see, I have this horrible habit of playing therapist to literally everyone I know and often I end up bottling up my own feelings and issues until they sort of ....simmer over. 

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Thoughts on Being Desired....

*le sigh*

I just don't get it.

I'm not a particularly good person. I'm not terribly nice, either. I'm not outgoing, friendly, open, or approachable. That's just the way it is. I'm a private person, I don't often talk about my feelings, and I like my solitude. I'm a difficult person to get along with, I understand this.

What I don't understand....is why does this dude even like me?

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

When it gets bad...



The trouble with depression is that you can have some really amazing days. A whole stretch of them, even. And I'll admit it, I've been on a high for a while. Might attribute that to a couple of specific individuals and a forced cheery perspective on life.

The trouble is, those amazing days where you feel fine and like nothing can get you down, don't last forever. And they make the descent back into self-loathing and misery that much more jarring.

I can feel myself spiraling down, right now.

I guess, if I have to back-track, it started last night. Sometimes, loneliness just hits you really fucking hard and there's nothing you can do about it. It's 3 am and you hate everything and you want to cry...

And you wish you had the guts to call up or text that one person who makes you feel better, but at the same time it's 3 am and you don't want to bother them and they'd probably be so annoyed and disgusted with your pathetic-ness and then you'd feel even worse and you might as well not even exist because you're such a burden on everyone and wouldn't it be better if....

Do you see?

That's the downward spiral. I'm caught in one right now. I don't know how to get out of it - I just know that I am capable of surviving it. I've come out of these really bleak times relatively unscathed in the past and so I know I'll come out of this one too.

It's just....right now there are some people who, for some unfathomable reason, are seeking to be included in my reality. And I'm starting to think it's not fair to let them. These are people who are getting their shit together, coming out of some pretty rough patches of their own and they do NOT need me fucking their shit up. When I say I'm a walking disaster, I mean it. I destroy everything I touch. 

In my haze of blurry and dark thoughts - it just feels right to push these people as far away from that fog as possible. For their sake. For their safety and well-being. And I know that they'll disagree. And they'll try to make it better and offer to be around and be supportive...and that just makes it so much worse. Because these are good people and I don't....fucking deserve that. And they don't deserve having to put up with me and my demons, I would NEVER wish my miserable self on another person....

So what's a girl to do?

Keep up the false optimism and carry on OR do the right thing and wallow in misery alone? I mean, at least that would be honest right?

Friday, January 9, 2015

The Run Down

So I had a date,...thing today. I'm still not sure what to make of it. It was interesting. Scary word, right?

This is how it went down: I woke up at 9 am and immediately felt sick. I was nervous. But you know what? I got up, got dressed, and even put on fucking eyeliner. Yeah, I took the time to make it even too.

Planted my ass in Target around 2 pm and waited. I walked off some of my nerves first, and then ordered a coffee at Starbucks. After that, it was the waiting game. I pulled out my book and got halfway into the first actual chapter before he showed up.

Turns out he called a few times, but since I had literally no signal the entire time I was inside the store, I had no idea. So he slides up and takes a seat next to me. And I thought this guy was cute in photos. Dude, holy shit.

And this is where I fuck up. See, I'm weird to begin with and SUPER awkward the first time I meet someone. I clam up, freeze up, can't speak half of the shit running through my mind, and I KNOW my behavior is totally coming off as rude and I still CAN'T make myself function like a normal human being. I'm a mess.

So essentially that's exactly what happened.

He chatted about anything and everything. I listened, and utterly failed to respond like a human being. But you know what....he took it like a champ. I don't know if it's just wishful thinking or hallucination, but he still seemed pretty into me. Like, as far as expressing interest in hanging out again or being a little bummed that I had the good sense to call it quits for the day and strategically retreat. Because, honestly, if I'd had no other weekend plans he could have carted me all over the cities if he wanted. And I wouldn't have said no.

So all in all, it could have gone WAY worse and I'm just gonna try to be happy for myself that I went way outside my comfort zone to do this. Because I don't regret it. I'm glad I met him. I totally want to hang out again. I want to let myself get comfortable enough to be my weird self and not constantly second guess everything I say or do. It's a process...

But I'm gonna get there.

Oh by the way, I totally wore the outfit that won the most votes. :)


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Short Story Time: Plead

My demons want to play with yours.

They want to tear their way out of my pale flesh and fly into your eye sockets, poke around in your soul, and throw a bloody tea party.


She was curled up in a little ball on her bed, face buried in the cage of her arms. The bony points of her knees didn’t make for the most comfortable pillow, but she had neither the energy to move or care. It was quiet and cold in the room, her phone sat on the mattress next to her. She waited. And waited.

It was pathetic really, to sit around waiting for someone to care about her and find out if she still breathed. People had their own problems, they didn’t have time to worry about hers. And she didn’t blame them, either, she didn’t want to worry about her issues. It would be best if they just disappeared. If she disappeared.

It wasn’t like she couldn’t see the pattern - her thoughts were taking on a particularly dark twist and the spiral began to curve around her, pulling her down into it’s depths. She could see it happening. Powerless to stop it. Just like always.

But the last time she’d gone on a dark journey through the broken forest of her own mind it hadn’t killed her. This one wouldn’t pick her off either, it was just going to suck. A lot.

Bzzt!

A sharp inhale.

Bzzt!

That was definitely her phone. She lifted her head, gazed at the blinking red light that indicated a message. Probably nothing important. She didn’t want to help her friend pick out a stupid movie to watch. She didn’t care who was bored at work. Really, there was only one person who’s message would matter in that split second.

She ignored it. Retreated inside again. At least those blackened, wispy trees didn’t ask her pointless questions about how best to spend one’s Friday evening. They just stood there, looming over her. Because they already knew how she was spending her evening.

Brrring, brrring!

It was ringing this time. With a sigh, she snatched the damn thing up and was about to toss it across the room when a name flashed on the screen. That name. The only one that mattered.

Accept the damn call, her voice of reason pleaded.

“Hello?”

“....Are you okay?”

“No.”

“I’ll be there soon.”

Monday, January 5, 2015

Help! What do I wear?!

So I've got an upcoming coffee meet/date thing (possibly!) this week and Eva had the good sense to grill me on my outfit planning. Seeing as I haven't been on an actual "date" in probably a decade (no, nothing with my ex-boyfriends ever counted as a friggin' date) I need some input from you guys.

I put together two outfits that I actually really like and feel super comfortable in. Give me your votes - which one is best! I'll put the poll up on my blog and I want you to vote there. The winning outfit will be worn on said coffee date. :)


Hair and makeup are something I haven't bothered thinking about yet, so please just judge the outfits themselves. Any other concrit or advice can be left in the comment section. ^_^


Saturday, January 3, 2015

Short Story Time: Shameless

Disclaimer: I am a horrible person and my mind goes to some weird places when I'm bored. And lonely. And pathetic.


The first kiss probably looked pretty innocent to anyone who might have been watching. It was the tail end of their first meeting, a short stint in a coffee shop, and as they prepared to part ways he impulsively tugged her into a tight embrace and pressed his lips to her cheek. Perfectly innocent.

Except that it wasn’t, and the chemistry that she was experiencing amped up its game - lighting up every nerve ending in her body. It was all she could do not to pull his mouth to hers. They disentangled with shaking hands and reddened faces.

And she replayed the scenario in her mind for days afterwards, wondering what it would feel like to really kiss him. Her heart beat wildly in the darkness and she yearned, not knowing that so did he.

The second kiss was a beautiful accident. They were chilling out at her place, watching a film, when in the middle of an “aha!” moment they turned to face each other. So close, too close. She made to pull back and he gave chase, sliding his thumb under her jaw and their lips met. Just a whisper of contact, but there was more heat and promise in that small exchange than any gnashing of tongues or teeth.

Returning their attention to the film, they sat - shoulders touching and basking in each others presence. Neither could tell you what happened in the rest of the film.

....




And then one night, she spent it with him in his room - his arms wrapped around her and their mouths slanted together. Her teeth caught his bottom lip, tugging gently, and the sound he made set fire to her blood. His hands weren’t idle, grasping at her hair, her waist, her shoulders. She clung to his neck for dear life as his tongue slid against hers.

He shuddered against her and she pulled him nearer, feeling the fluttering in his chest. Blue eyes gazed down at her, a silent question, and she responded by shifting in his lap to straddle him. He pressed open mouthed kisses to her neck, nipping at the soft flesh, and the fever welled up inside her, threatening to spill out. She sank her pale fingers into his dark hair, twisting the strands around her digits and he loosed a wanton moan against her throat.

A naughty wiggle against his hips alerted her to how perilous this situation had become. Their mouths met again and she found herself beneath him, back pressed into the flannel sheets of his bed. His slim body molded with hers and with every breath his hardness surged against her hip.

She wanted to touch him, to feel that stiffened member against her core, to wrap her fingers around him. And he wanted it as well, growing bold enough to place her hand over the fly of his jeans. The press of her palm had him gasping into the groove between her neck and shoulder.

“Please…”

There was no resisting. She’d been doomed from the start. There’s no such thing as an innocent kiss.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

- Tennyson, In Memoriam.



I am spending the first day of the new year in a small mobile home in one of the Twin Cities' many suburbs. It is cold and gloomy outside these wood paneled walls. I sip a cup of French Vanilla coffee brewed in my uncle's Keurig machine. I am without my beloved Chromebook (opting for a rather outdated PC as it's all that's available) and I'm not certain if I'm content with the situation at hand or horrified.

So, what HAS 2015 brought me in just a few scant hours?

A lot of uncertainty. About a lot of things - mostly where I stand with other people and where they stand with me. I have a clear view of my future - the path I want to take, but when you add in the human/social element, things get kind of muddy.

You see, I have what seems like a vested interest in another human being, and I want to help him battle his demons (because I've known for decades what they can do to a person's mind) and yet, I feel so inferior to him. I feel...unworthy. Powerful concept, worthiness.

To feel worthy of one's time...

I am still so damaged. And there is still so much to be fixed.

I just don't know if I can do it alone anymore. And when you feel unworthy of help...how do you ask for it? I think that might be one of the most important lessons for me to learn this year. To be able to trust and believe that I am worthy of someone's time and energy. To trust and believe that I'm not a lost cause. To just....trust.

So I guess I'll keep sipping this coffee and ruminating on my options.

Happy New Year, everyone. May yours be as interesting as mine's about to get.  :)