Sunday, July 26, 2015

I am angry. I think.

To be completely honest, I don't really know what I feel anymore. I've been on such an unpleasant game-of-life roller coaster that I'm all kinds of messed up these days. For the hell of it, I looked at my blog to see the last thing I had posted and was kind of surprised that the only update here is when I finally repainted my (old) room and got it decorated.

I don't live there anymore.

I wasn't kicked out, per se, but I think we were coming up on that point and so I had to get out. I lost my Walmart job in the bakery quite a while back now and ended up living out of a bag of clothes at my boyfriend's family home. That's actually where I still am. It's either here or on the streets right now and it's gotten to a point where I'm not sure which would be more tolerable.

You see, it's chaos in this household. His parents are getting a divorce soon and so are scrambling to get their house up to code and on the market. His sister is back home from North Dakota and dealing with mental problems of her own, on top of a weed habit. And the boy himself, I'm discovering all sorts of unpleasantness....

But that's neither here nor there.

Point is, I'm still alive and that could have gone down differently so very easily. Sometimes I'm a bit amazed at just how blithely I cheat death...

So here I am, sitting in the basement of a house in Chaska, MN, and contemplating job options and future apartments, because it's clear that living in this place isn't working for me. I'm nearly starving, because we're eating and living on one minimum wage, part-time income. I'm stressed out because I have no way of getting anywhere and I'm incredibly unfamiliar with this town/area. I feel isolated because I have no friends and no one's ever here....

And I've developed a rather unhealthy drinking problem.

So I may still be alive, but things aren't looking that great for me. Unless I find solid full-time employment soon and traipse out of here into an apartment I could be looking at more problems.

I want to say I'm sorry to dump all this here, but I'm not. This is my blog and I can post whatever I like. So....that's that. I guess.


  1. First, sorry to hear of your predicament. It sounds like your current situation is temporary and not in a controllable way. You should look into what support options are in place in your country/city and find out what you can do to get back on your feet. Kicking the bottle is the first step for sure, alcohol isn't exactly cheap and that's money that's better spent. If you feel you might be becoming an alcoholic then get support for that as well, probably your only option is public discussion groups, but hey, it's something. Lean on friends and family whenever possible. I had a very crappy relationship with my folks and got out of their house because I couldn't stand the mental and emotional abuse, but I would go back in a heartbeat if I was in need because it's better than being homeless. Apply for jobs everywhere and anywhere, and once you're financially secure and have a more permanent residency reevaluate your relationship with this guy, because staying with him is probably not going to work out for you.

    1. The unpleasantness I refer to is his impatience in dealing with his family (but who doesn't get pissy with siblings once in a while?) and his penchant for some weed smoking with friends. I guess I just grew up in an environment that really demonized any kind of drug use so it's hard for me to get on board with.

  2. I am sorry that your current situation sucks, guessing your mum was not willing to let you live there with her anymore? Please hang in there, and know that it will get better eventually. Any home is better than the street. If you are really not well enough to work perhaps you can get some kind of government financial support like we do in Australia, if you have a medical certificate, etc.

    1. It was more my brother that had an issue with me being there. He pays the bills and needed me to help him out with that. The instant I was unable to, I was told to get a new job fast or leave. The rest is history, I suppose.

      I've looked into the Social Security benefits situation, as well. Turns out depression/anxiety do not qualify you for any real monetary help. As least not in this state.

  3. I'm so sorry, things sound really awful for you right now. I hope you can stay with your boyfriend for a while, I'm so sure he and his family would rather that then you having nowhere to go!!! I know it can't be ideal but it's better than being homeless right? I'm so sorry, I know things seem really dark and difficult but hang in there, something WILL come up, you will get a job, just stay strong for now and things will get better!!!