Sunday, June 14, 2015

Death By Capitalism

I start my new job tomorrow, a pitiful little stint in the Walmart bakery.

And I've been thinking about this for a while now and just sort of stewing in it because I don't quite know how to talk about it without sounding like a whiny bitch, so here it is:

I don't want to work.

I don't want to settle with some 8 hr job that pays minimum wage (or slightly above) for the rest of my life, dealing with people I don't like (and I hate most people...) and never having any free time or energy to enjoy myself.

I want to write. I want to wake up at any fucking hour I please, make a pot of coffee and sit in front on my Chromebook while clicking away at keys and adding pages upon pages to a new book or story. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want any interruptions, and I don't want to go outside. I literally want to hole up somewhere peaceful and do nothing by write.

Maybe when I get stuck, I'll venture out into the real world and observe people for a while. Get some fresh ideas for the book. Then go back to my little hermit world and dive back into writing.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where you have to sell your labor (for cheap!) to get by in life. You have to suck it up, being miserable for a majority of your day, then go home and interact with people when you just wanna be somewhere quiet and alone. Then you go to sleep and do it all over again the next day and for what?

For a paycheck? To buy a house or a car you can't even enjoy? To landscape the backyard you'll never really see or enjoy? To buy a cat or dog you don't have any time for? To pay off student loans for a degree being wasted?

It all feels so fucking pointless and that's putting aside my major anxiety/depression issues.

I wonder, if I checked myself into a mental institution and became a lifer...would they let me write?


  1. If you're lucky, you won't always have to suck it up and be miserable for the majority of the day but unless you're independently wealthy which most of us are not you will have to make choices. Right out of grad school, I had to work four jobs just to make ends meet and actually pay my student loans. I remember once that I really really wanted a latte at Starbucks of all places and had to do the math-- could I afford this? The answer was no. Hopefully this too shall pass. Work hard at your job; write harder in your off time. Make wise plans so that you can live the life you dream.

  2. Exactly how I feel about siciety. People wirk too hard for things they don't need, can't afford to buy homes. But if you do not buy into this it is good! You can have more balance, eg live further out of tge city, grow your own food, have a simpler life. Working at the bakery is what you have to do now but you can save save save. And never stop writing!

    In the future perhaps you will find something else to study or do. I find working eith animals so rewarding, although I am only volunteering at the moment.

    Work towards your dreams!

  3. I totally understand how you feel

  4. Aw I totally get where you're coming from :( society actually sucks so much :( I'm in the same position except I haven't actually brought myself to apply for any jobs yet... I hope it's okay though, maybe you'll start liking it a bit later? And I really hope you're able to find time to write and do the things you need to do for yourself!!!

  5. Thanks, everyone. It definitely helps that some of you can commiserate.

  6. Goodness, this sounds like my own rants. I can completely relate, from the wanting to write all day to the feelings about selling labor for cheap...I, too, fear working for eight hours a day or MORE for five days a week or MORE...It is very depressing, indeed...