Saturday, May 16, 2015

I've been giving this some thought...

And I think I need to move home.

Like, back to my hometown, in with my mom and brother again.

And I really have been thinking about this. Living with my uncle has proven to be kind of toxic for me. But at the same time, I've figured out what my comfort levels are concerning a variety of aspects.

1. I cannot tolerate a smoking household. Just, no. It fucks with my respiratory system, it messes with my allergies, and I can't stand the smell. However, this IS my uncle's house and he's allowed to do what he wants in it. Just as I'm allowed to move out at my leisure.

2. I DO NOT like being pressured to do stuff I'm not comfortable with. Driving, for one. Being forced to make all these phone calls and talk to all these people with absolutely NO REGARD for my mental state at any given point - he KNOWS I have anxiety issues and just fucking blows them off all the time. That's not cool.

3. I literally just started this new job. $12 an hour at the rail yard in St. Paul. But I already know that while I can withstand the long hours outside, on my feet, in all kinds of adverse weather while dealing with really grumpy and impatient drivers...that's not gonna work out long. For a few weeks, maybe, but not long term. Not more than a month or two. One week in and I'm so burnt out that this morning I wanted to die.

4. Walmart back home is hiring for a variety of positions, including the night shift. I'm a night owl - I don't DO mornings. And having to get up at 4 am every day and ride in with my uncle to work is just not doing me any good. I NEED to acknowledge this and do something about it. If I can't do early mornings, then I just can't do them. It's not good for my mental or physical health to force it, right?

5. My uncle promised me a safe haven where he would look after me and do what he could for me. But as soon as I have a need or problem that he doesn't agree with, that part of the deal shuts down and I feel isolated, trapped, and abused. As soon as anxiety hits and he doesn't understand that I can't do anything about it - I have to face exasperation and anger for it.

6. Mom deals with a lot of the same stuff I do, so she gets it. She gets me. I do realize now that moving out was a premature decision. And it didn't help that everyone I knew was telling me how great it was to get closer to the cities and better jobs and ....blah blah blah. I'm a small town girl. I prefer nature to people. I miss my cat and my old room and the atmosphere of the house....

There are some stipulations for moving back home though - I need to have a job and contribute to bills. This is fine. Hell, I can work more than one job if need be.....and I'll have a comforting space to work on my book, sew up some cute things to sell here and there, and never again look at a fucking hard hat or safety vest. I'll be in a smoke-free home once more, with people who stay up late like I do, and access to food items I am familiar with and eat regularly.

My mom's a lot nicer to my boyfriend too....

2 comments:

  1. Hang in there! It sounds like moving home might be a good idea, especially if your mum is more understanding of your problems. People who can't understand depression or anxiety frustrate me! I can't drive, couldn't get my licence because I got too freaked out driving. That's not to say you shouldn't drive eventually, but if it's too much at the moment you need to let it go. Sometimes bigger cities can be more hectic and scary too!

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  2. Yeah moving home does seem like a pretty good solution! It sounds like your uncle's home is a really unhealthy environment to be in physically and emotionally and there's no sense staying somewhere toxic if you have a choice right? I hope you're okay!!!

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