Thursday, April 30, 2015

Within the Circuit of This Plodding Life ~ Henry David Thoreau

"I love you," he says one night while we're snuggled on up the couch. And I freeze. Are you sure? I ask him. Why do you think so? I ask...

I suppose the simple answer is that he simply does. That you can't always control how you feel about people and sometimes these things just happen. You wake up one morning and realize you love this person and you want to be with them for as long as you can, however you can. 

I don't quite know how HE came to his little realization, but I dived headfirst in blatant denial. How could I possibly love anyone right now? I'm still fractured and healing from past relationship hurts. I have all this personal mental health drama going on. Excuses, really. 

Because I do love him. How could I not? He's perfect for me and I've never, EVER, had anything so good before. I don't want to much that up.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Short Story Time: 8:09 am

It’s early when I wake, the filtered sun seeping past the blinds and the spritely chirping of birds tells me so. Ever so carefully, I lift my head to glance past him and see the time. 8:09 am. Early indeed.

I shift a little beneath the covers, and my leg slides just a bit against his, but it’s enough. He takes a deep breath, and rolls towards me, hands reaching.  He’s still asleep, but just barely. And in that hesitant slumber, he wraps himself around me. It always happens like this - and it doesn't matter if I’m rolling over in bed to find the cold side of the pillow or trying to extricate myself to use the bathroom - as soon as I move, he’s reaching for me. I sometimes wonder if he’s afraid that he’ll wake up to discover I’m not there. Or not real. And subconsciously he clings to me to constantly be assured that I’m there with him.

And then I wonder, is that somehow my fault? Am I too distant, too cold, too aloof? Do I give off the impression that I could disappear at any time and abandon him? That idea makes something in my chest feel tight.

So even though it’s 8:11 am and I’m wide awake, I let him slip an arm around my waist. Because I’m still there. And as soon as he realizes this, the wrinkle in his brow softens and his breathing evens out. I watch him sleep for a bit - taking in long eyelashes, the curve of his nose, the rise and fall of his chest.

How distant can I be, with our skin pressed together? How cold, when we share our heat beneath the blanket? How aloof, when he catches me coyly peering at him from under half-closed eyes? I am definitely there.

And even though it’s early, and the sun’s up and the birds are chirping and things are happening out there in the world, there isn't anywhere else I’d rather be.

Monday, April 13, 2015

This is where I live. This is also a photo dump. :)

No, no, this is a photo of dinner, one night. Yeah, be jealous. I eat good when I actually good.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Eros Ephemeros ~ Kenneth Rand

My life, overall, is still in a state of flux - but at least I no longer need agonize over my love life. That seems remarkably stable now.

A few weeks back I posted this self-indulgent little piece about my confusion regarding this boy. Tyler. I'm not sure if I was just feeling more insecure than usual but there was really no reason at all to doubt his feelings for me. I mean, the boy is pretty hopelessly enamored.

I think I'm ready to tell the full, undisclosed story of how he and I came to be:

About a week before Thanksgiving, last November, I broke up with my old boyfriend. He was an emotionally abusive twat with absolutely no aspirations in life and frankly, I deserved better. I told myself that it would be good to remain single for a while and figure out who I was on my own terms, unattached. You know?

So what do I do? I go ahead and make an OkCupid dating profile. I wasn't really expecting to find anything, I think it was just my way of cementing the end of the old relationship. I never flirted, or even really looked at other dudes, while with my ex and the possibility of engaging in something fun and risky felt like moving on. Felt like freedom, that I could go ahead and look, do what I wanted.

I did end up chatting with a few local guys, both of which I'd gone to high school with but there was no real spark or connection with either of them and so nothing came of it. And then along came this fellow, under the username of "WaffleVision". He actually sent me an entire wall of text, basically responding to and commiserating with the incredibly honest content I had on my profile, ending it with a request for a game of text wall racquet ball.

Which I readily engaged in. We sent long messages back and forth, detailing our struggles with anxiety, dating, holiday blues, job misery, etc. I really came to look forward to getting a new message from him.

Eventually we added each other on Facebook and Tyler became a real entity with real-time chat opportunities. And that was fun. Until he disappeared. I didn't hear from him for a solid two weeks. I wanted to chalk it up to holiday business, what with Christmas being a thing at the time, but I kind of suspected it was something a little more....unfortunate.

And then I began to worry - would I ever hear from him again? Was he okay?

The holidays were a dark time for me, and I wasn't exactly feeling all that stable - even going so far as to engage in a bit of bloody self-harm (shhhhh, Mom doesn't know about that!) I couldn't help but think it would have been nice to have him around for moral support...

He reappeared shortly after Christmas and it turns out he'd had a stint in a hospital for "psychiatric" reasons. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and slapped on some medications, but he was out.

And we started talking again. I noticed the difference right away. His phrasing and manner of speech seemed less cryptic, everything was a lot more straight-forward and that was awesome. Less conflict and less confusion.

We finally agreed to meet in person, on January 9th. It was a Friday and I trudged over to Target's Starbucks in the snow and the cold. He was...a lot different in person. Well maybe not a lot, but that added dimension of voice and body and presence was a bit overwhelming. was good. Wanna read about that encounter: click here! 

We met up again the next Friday, which I've detailed in this post right here. And for our third "date" where I hung out in his basement with a group of ragtag musicians, you can find here. Looking back, I'm actually pretty glad I parsed all this out.

I think the turning point was the weekend at the end of February, that Saturday. It was Tyler's birthday and we hung out in the cities. I'll link you to that one too. That was the first time I let him hold my hand. The first time we snuggled up under the blankets together. The first time we kissed - all in all I'd say he had a pretty rockin' birthday.

It's April now. He comes up here to my uncle's place to see me almost every Tuesday. Permission granted, he sometimes even spends the night, and we stay awake 'til the wee hours making out (among other things.) I've reasserted my need for space when I sleep so cohabiting my tiny single bed doesn't work so well, but I still love cuddling up to him at night.

And yesterday, as we were chatting about exes and overused phrases (like how saying "I love you" twenty times a day to someone loses its meaning real fast) it kind of slipped out of him. That he loves me. I didn't know how to respond. I guess he didn't expect me to, really, which is great. I think he and I are both of the variety that doesn't need to say it to make it felt or known. But just seemed kind of sudden to me. Even though it reaffirms EVERYTHING people have been telling me about him being head over heels.

I suppose I do love him, too. I'm not sure I'm 'in love' with him, though. That feels different, somehow. But Tyler is important to me, and I really do like having him in my life. So I guess I love him. And I guess we're a thing now. felt kind of good to get that all out in one long post. TL;DR I have a boyfriend now, I think. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The Intuitive Tag

Snagged this from The Midnight Ballroom, who found it via another excellent blog and figured I would give it my two cents. :)

Monday, April 6, 2015

I Stole the Liebster Award!

Here be the rules:

1. Post the award on your blog.
2. Thank the blogger (thanks Amy!) who presented this award and link to their blog.
3. Write 11 random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve the aware and have fewer than 200 followers.
5. Answer 11 questions posted by the presenter and ask YOUR nominees 11 questions.