Sunday, February 15, 2015

Death and the Maiden

So things have not been going well for me lately and I sort of need a place to vent about it all since I've been kind of keeping it under wraps from everyone else, in particular the friends who seem most concerned about me.

But it's not going well.

I've been sick off and on for a while now and that's really taken a toll both on my body and on my mental health. It's also cost me two jobs this year...I'm not off to a great start, am I?

I feel like I keep digging myself a deeper and deeper hole and I'm not even sure I want to climb out of it anymore. I feel like I just want to lay down and go to sleep. So I've been planning. And the ease with which my plan came together scares me.

It's not in action, yet, don't worry about that. I'm just saying that I do have "a plan" for if things get so bad that I can't fix them.

So I lost my newest job already.

Only mom knows that, I feel like if I tell anyone else all I'm gonna get is a mass of lectures about how much of a failure I am and I'm "not doing this right" or "not going about it properly" or that I "need to get my shit together" and I ALREADY KNOW THIS! Why do you think I'm freaking out about it?

My brother's gonna flip his lid, just like he did last time I got fired.

God, I'm so scared for people to find out about this....

But I don't wanna lie about it, either. If people ask how work is I'll tell the truth, deal with it then. Christ, my anxiety is spiking just thinking about it. If Tyler asks about my job and I have to tell him I lost it already >_< or if my uncle finds out and tries to patronize me for it...oh god.

The one bright side to all this is that now I can have a good chat with my therapist and decide if I need to be on a new medication of some sort. I've been on SSRI antidepressants in the past and they did very little for me so maybe I need something different....

Either that or I'm gonna see what she can do about finding me some in-patient treatment. I really do feel like I could become a danger to myself if things keep spiraling down the way they are.

It's just kind of funny, because on the outside I seem fine. I'm working on my novel, I'm listening to new music and networking with people in local bands. I'm giving out good advice and just being generally nice. It's on the inside that I hate everything and I want to disappear.

So maybe I will for a while.


  1. Hugs! I know those feelings! Be strong, remember people care about you. You are taking good steps, seeing a new psychiatrist is great! If you think you will hurt yourself please tell her. Sometimes it can be hardest to tell those close to us, i never talk to family about depression and have only really spoken about it with one friend although I have mentioned stuff on my blog occassionally.

    Please do not feel lime a failure! Work sucks! My last two jobs were nightmares and I have been unemplyed for years (sometimes studying, sometimes not) and i know it can errode your selg worth but youare more than a job. I spent more than half a year ladt year judt trying to gain some confidence and self love and learning to be ok again. You need to give yourself time. Hugs.

    1. Thanks for your support. It's good to know I'm not the only one in this boat sometimes.