Wednesday, January 14, 2015

When it gets bad...



The trouble with depression is that you can have some really amazing days. A whole stretch of them, even. And I'll admit it, I've been on a high for a while. Might attribute that to a couple of specific individuals and a forced cheery perspective on life.

The trouble is, those amazing days where you feel fine and like nothing can get you down, don't last forever. And they make the descent back into self-loathing and misery that much more jarring.

I can feel myself spiraling down, right now.

I guess, if I have to back-track, it started last night. Sometimes, loneliness just hits you really fucking hard and there's nothing you can do about it. It's 3 am and you hate everything and you want to cry...

And you wish you had the guts to call up or text that one person who makes you feel better, but at the same time it's 3 am and you don't want to bother them and they'd probably be so annoyed and disgusted with your pathetic-ness and then you'd feel even worse and you might as well not even exist because you're such a burden on everyone and wouldn't it be better if....

Do you see?

That's the downward spiral. I'm caught in one right now. I don't know how to get out of it - I just know that I am capable of surviving it. I've come out of these really bleak times relatively unscathed in the past and so I know I'll come out of this one too.

It's just....right now there are some people who, for some unfathomable reason, are seeking to be included in my reality. And I'm starting to think it's not fair to let them. These are people who are getting their shit together, coming out of some pretty rough patches of their own and they do NOT need me fucking their shit up. When I say I'm a walking disaster, I mean it. I destroy everything I touch. 

In my haze of blurry and dark thoughts - it just feels right to push these people as far away from that fog as possible. For their sake. For their safety and well-being. And I know that they'll disagree. And they'll try to make it better and offer to be around and be supportive...and that just makes it so much worse. Because these are good people and I don't....fucking deserve that. And they don't deserve having to put up with me and my demons, I would NEVER wish my miserable self on another person....

So what's a girl to do?

Keep up the false optimism and carry on OR do the right thing and wallow in misery alone? I mean, at least that would be honest right?

2 comments:

  1. Honestly, when I get like that, that thought that I will live through it is the one thing I grab hold of. I tell myself I'm a stubborn little bitch and no matter what, this episode will end. It's not optimism, it's pragmatism. You're still breathing, you still get hungry and you still get tired. You're tough and you'll survive.

    It may seem a bit bleak, but that kind of thinking has got me through a lot until I feel at least a little happy again and I can breathe a sigh of relief. It may work for you.

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  2. I have people who have been through similar things and we take turns to support eachother. At leastthe good days will remind you there are more to come.

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