Thursday, January 1, 2015

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

- Tennyson, In Memoriam.



I am spending the first day of the new year in a small mobile home in one of the Twin Cities' many suburbs. It is cold and gloomy outside these wood paneled walls. I sip a cup of French Vanilla coffee brewed in my uncle's Keurig machine. I am without my beloved Chromebook (opting for a rather outdated PC as it's all that's available) and I'm not certain if I'm content with the situation at hand or horrified.

So, what HAS 2015 brought me in just a few scant hours?

A lot of uncertainty. About a lot of things - mostly where I stand with other people and where they stand with me. I have a clear view of my future - the path I want to take, but when you add in the human/social element, things get kind of muddy.

You see, I have what seems like a vested interest in another human being, and I want to help him battle his demons (because I've known for decades what they can do to a person's mind) and yet, I feel so inferior to him. I feel...unworthy. Powerful concept, worthiness.

To feel worthy of one's time...

I am still so damaged. And there is still so much to be fixed.

I just don't know if I can do it alone anymore. And when you feel unworthy of help...how do you ask for it? I think that might be one of the most important lessons for me to learn this year. To be able to trust and believe that I am worthy of someone's time and energy. To trust and believe that I'm not a lost cause. To just....trust.

So I guess I'll keep sipping this coffee and ruminating on my options.

Happy New Year, everyone. May yours be as interesting as mine's about to get.  :)




4 comments:

  1. We're all damaged, love. That's just the truth of it. We come with baggage and if we're lucky, we get to metaphorically unpack it with others.

    A bit of ridiculously dorky advice... walk to a mirror (do it!) and repeat after me (do it!) "MONKEY" (do it again until you're laughing... it's a fun little speech therapy trick that naturally makes your mouth form into a smile).

    Keep sipping that coffee and we'll keep following you. I wouldn't follow a lost cause's blog posts... I'm sure they wouldn't be very interesting.

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  2. We all feel unworthy sometimes, the most compassionate can find in the most hard as we take on other
    's problems and forget to self care. This year, take the time to work on loving yourself!

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    1. You're right, I definitely need to focus on taking care of myself this year. Thanks!

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