- Tennyson, In Memoriam.
I am spending the first day of the new year in a small mobile home in one of the Twin Cities' many suburbs. It is cold and gloomy outside these wood paneled walls. I sip a cup of French Vanilla coffee brewed in my uncle's Keurig machine. I am without my beloved Chromebook (opting for a rather outdated PC as it's all that's available) and I'm not certain if I'm content with the situation at hand or horrified.
So, what HAS 2015 brought me in just a few scant hours?
A lot of uncertainty. About a lot of things - mostly where I stand with other people and where they stand with me. I have a clear view of my future - the path I want to take, but when you add in the human/social element, things get kind of muddy.
You see, I have what seems like a vested interest in another human being, and I want to help him battle his demons (because I've known for decades what they can do to a person's mind) and yet, I feel so inferior to him. I feel...unworthy. Powerful concept, worthiness.
To feel worthy of one's time...
I am still so damaged. And there is still so much to be fixed.
I just don't know if I can do it alone anymore. And when you feel unworthy of help...how do you ask for it? I think that might be one of the most important lessons for me to learn this year. To be able to trust and believe that I am worthy of someone's time and energy. To trust and believe that I'm not a lost cause. To just....trust.
So I guess I'll keep sipping this coffee and ruminating on my options.
Happy New Year, everyone. May yours be as interesting as mine's about to get. :)