Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Dec. 23, 2014 - document that shit.
So I've always had this habit of "talking to myself" - just spewing my thoughts and ramblings out into the air at will. Sometimes I hold conversations between my story characters - acting it out so to speak.
According to my family, my crazy talk has become really negative lately. Belittling myself, hatred for the world at large, constant criticisms of people and ideas...
I think some of it is overflow from dealing with the ex - I don't feel the need to bottle some of it up anymore. The rest is that I am, in fact, a pretty angry person these days. I don't really have any friends or people I can talk to about this stuff. My therapist is an old-world bitch who refuses to see beyond gender roles, I'm pretty sure I can't talk to her anymore. A few of the guys I met on OKCupid...Jesus Christ, what a complete fucking waste of time...
My job sucks, physically I've been feeling less than stellar, and I'm still dealing with the fact that I've been single for over a month now and that's something that hasn't happened in a decade. I'm a little screwed up and some of it just needs to come...out.
And then it comes out and people are "concerned" or uncomfortable. Okay then, cork that bitch up. I just won't say anything anymore. If I have to duct tape my mouth shut during the day, then so be it.
My brother is also subtly getting on me for my drinking. Guess I better stop doing that too or else I'll be facing accusations of being a dead-beat alcoholic. Which really isn't that far off, to be honest. It costs money on them for me to be living and eating here too. I know they don't say it, but it puts a strain on them financially.
So I need to be silent and non-consuming. Cost-effective. Out of sight, out of mind.