The few of you who follow me on FB know that I finally got a job recently. I just finished my second week of work and got my first paycheck. It was an empowering feeling - my feet still ache and I'm still exhausted, but I'm being paid for it!
It feels like a weight has been lifted. Now I can start making payments on the things I owe - school, the state, etc. I can start clearing away my debts, both physical and mental. I feel like I can start taking care of myself again, that I don't have to always rely on someone else to keep me alive. And with that comes a heady sense of freedom.
I feel like, in a few months to a year, I could just pick up and take off. Save up some money, pay off a few debts, and then just go. I want to leave behind all the bad stuff, the people who are toxic to my well-being, the dead-end I'm facing in this small town - in this miserable state. And suddenly....I can do it.
But that also involves making some really hard choices - especially about letting certain people go and their expected reactions to THAT. I've gotten comfortable in my misery, I've gotten used to my depression and hiding how badly I want to never wake up again. I've come to accept that stress is part of my world view. But it doesn't have to be that way - I can be happy again. I can feel whole and worthy of goodness again. And if that means moving on and away from certain things, then so be it. I am the most important thing in my life and I need to take care of it.
So I'm at that point of consideration where I know things are going to get worse before they get better. It's a volatile combination of emotions.