Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Well guys...

It's been a while since I've written anything here and for that I apologize. Things have been very similar to a gut-wrenching roller coaster lately and I'm kind of surprised I haven't spilled my metaphorical stomach contents yet.

It's the first week back after a week long spring break, where I experienced only a mild increase in overall temperature and no change in status of stress levels or mental state. I kind of thought I would be relieved to come back to my apartment and get away from everyone else's stress, but it turns out dealing with only my own is a lot harder.

The road to surviving this semester intact is a steep up-hill climb and I don't feel right now that I have the stamina to make it there. At least not on my own. I'm absolutely terrified of making contact with the outside world for fear of being told it's too late and I'm screwed. But holing up in my own sick, sad little world isn't helping either. I'm kind of at a loss. 

I don't check my school email for this reason. I know I've got tons of messages from worried professors, health-care professional, residential life - but there might also be that one that says it's too late and nothing can be helped.

I'm afraid of that email. Genuinely. 

I think I'm sketchy about checking my phone messages for the same reason. 

Christ, I'm shaking and near to crying just writing this down. It's something that I tend to avoid even thinking about. My natural instinct is to just throw myself head-first into some fictional world and never crawl back out. I went through the entire series of Buffy in about week because of this. That's seven seasons, back to back. 

Sleep is the only real reprieve and what I get of that is dubious at best. My dreams tend to reflect my fears and insecurities these days - I dream about my ex sometimes and when I wake up I feel ill. Maybe if I make myself vomit, the icky feelings will go away. It'll probably come out like a black sludge.

That's some dark shit right there isn't it? Sorry.

I keep it together so well on the outside and I think that's why most people don't suspect how bad it actually is. That's really my fault, though. A little bit of outward vulnerability might prove useful, if displayed in front of those who want to help. Still, I feel like I break down and cry in front of a professor that I've made a fool of myself and I might never be able to stop. I hate appearing weak, I really do.

And that weakness can't be allowed to spill over. 

I have to email two professors about my chances at passing their courses. Then I have to contact Records and Registration to see about getting something dropped from my transcript. I'm hoping for the best, but....

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Too bad that sensation is so fleeting.

4 comments:

  1. Breathe. Are you taking uni part-time?

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  2. No, I'm a full time student. I have to be in order to get financial aid.

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  3. It's OK m'dear, I know exactly how you feel. I've been there and I've felt all of that. I know how it feels to be terrified of looking at your email especially - only recently had a panic attack when trying to look at mine and I thought I was moving past all that.

    I think the only way to move forward is to take it in small pieces, as the old saying goes you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time! Also don't forget to celebrate each step - any progress is better than no progress!

    I know that appearing weak is horrible but I have never met anyone in academia who didn't have at least one major crisis because of workload or impostor syndrome or life getting in the way, unfortunately it seems everyone is too afraid to talk about it publically, but privately I know you will find plenty of understanding and support!

    Bite the bullet and send at least one of the emails, then escape into fiction for a bit to recover, and repeat. The situation is not as bleak as you think it is I promise.

    My counsellor made me read a book called 'The Happiness Trap'. I didn't find much of it that helpful, but it had a really good analogy for anxiety. The summary is; imagine you are sailing a ship, and you need to turn towards the shore to reach your goal, but every time you do the monsters in the hold of the ship come up and scream at up. They tell you horrible things and try to frighten you, but they cannot actually touch you. If you choose to continue to sail towards the shore they cannot hurt you, no matter how scary they seem.
    I found it especially helpful because I'm 'so goth' and I think monsters are kind of cute, so now when I'm reading a difficult textbook or emailing my tutor or signing up for a conference I can just see a trope of sulky gargoyles hanging around my room annoyed because I won't listen to them today! I still have bad days and I probably will continue to do so forever, but it helps me to face my fears!

    If you ever need to talk, you can email me: cemetery-researcher@hotmail.com

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    1. Thanks so much for the comment, I like the anxiety analogy!

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