It's been a while since I've written anything here and for that I apologize. Things have been very similar to a gut-wrenching roller coaster lately and I'm kind of surprised I haven't spilled my metaphorical stomach contents yet.
It's the first week back after a week long spring break, where I experienced only a mild increase in overall temperature and no change in status of stress levels or mental state. I kind of thought I would be relieved to come back to my apartment and get away from everyone else's stress, but it turns out dealing with only my own is a lot harder.
The road to surviving this semester intact is a steep up-hill climb and I don't feel right now that I have the stamina to make it there. At least not on my own. I'm absolutely terrified of making contact with the outside world for fear of being told it's too late and I'm screwed. But holing up in my own sick, sad little world isn't helping either. I'm kind of at a loss.
I don't check my school email for this reason. I know I've got tons of messages from worried professors, health-care professional, residential life - but there might also be that one that says it's too late and nothing can be helped.
I'm afraid of that email. Genuinely.
I think I'm sketchy about checking my phone messages for the same reason.
Christ, I'm shaking and near to crying just writing this down. It's something that I tend to avoid even thinking about. My natural instinct is to just throw myself head-first into some fictional world and never crawl back out. I went through the entire series of Buffy in about week because of this. That's seven seasons, back to back.
Sleep is the only real reprieve and what I get of that is dubious at best. My dreams tend to reflect my fears and insecurities these days - I dream about my ex sometimes and when I wake up I feel ill. Maybe if I make myself vomit, the icky feelings will go away. It'll probably come out like a black sludge.
That's some dark shit right there isn't it? Sorry.
I keep it together so well on the outside and I think that's why most people don't suspect how bad it actually is. That's really my fault, though. A little bit of outward vulnerability might prove useful, if displayed in front of those who want to help. Still, I feel like I break down and cry in front of a professor that I've made a fool of myself and I might never be able to stop. I hate appearing weak, I really do.
And that weakness can't be allowed to spill over.
I have to email two professors about my chances at passing their courses. Then I have to contact Records and Registration to see about getting something dropped from my transcript. I'm hoping for the best, but....
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Too bad that sensation is so fleeting.