Sunday, December 28, 2014

Implicit - Short Story Time

So after a couple of dreams involving a certain someone I might be seriously fancying, I decided to turn one of those dreams into a little short story. Yeah, girl in question is definitely me and my thought processes, be warned.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Dec. 23, 2014 - document that shit.

So I've always had this habit of "talking to myself" - just spewing my thoughts and ramblings out into the air at will. Sometimes I hold conversations between my story characters - acting it out so to speak.

According to my family, my crazy talk has become really negative lately. Belittling myself, hatred for the world at large, constant criticisms of people and ideas...

I think some of it is overflow from dealing with the ex - I don't feel the need to bottle some of it up anymore. The rest is that I am, in fact, a pretty angry person these days. I don't really have any friends or people I can talk to about this stuff. My therapist is an old-world bitch who refuses to see beyond gender roles, I'm pretty sure I can't talk to her anymore. A few of the guys I met on OKCupid...Jesus Christ, what a complete fucking waste of time...

My job sucks, physically I've been feeling less than stellar, and I'm still dealing with the fact that I've been single for over a month now and that's something that hasn't happened in a decade. I'm a little screwed up and some of it just needs to come...out.

And then it comes out and people are "concerned" or uncomfortable. Okay then, cork that bitch up. I just won't say anything anymore. If I have to duct tape my mouth shut during the day, then so be it.

My brother is also subtly getting on me for my drinking. Guess I better stop doing that too or else I'll be facing accusations of being a dead-beat alcoholic. Which really isn't that far off, to be honest. It costs money on them for me to be living and eating here too. I know they don't say it, but it puts a strain on them financially.

So I need to be silent and non-consuming. Cost-effective. Out of sight, out of mind.


Sunday, December 21, 2014

Holiday Edition Makeup

For images captured with my webcam, I didn't do too badly. ^_^ This is my Christmas Eve look for this year. I figured I would plan it all out in advance since I have to work for most of the 24th, so now when I get home I can slip into my lovely green dress and slap some face paint on. Voila~

Yes, my hair IS currently a bright red color. It's from that totally shit brand called Splat! and I'm super surprised that it's lasted as long as it has. Normally, Manic Panic's vampire red would have faded out by now. We're like a full week in with numerous washing.

The makeup itself is a silver shimmery eye-shadow with a thin liquid eyeliner and copious amounts of mascara. A bit of rosy blush high in my cheeks and a plum lipstick. Totally cute and it doesn't clash with the hair, which I'm happy about.

What about the lot of you? Anyone dressing up for the holidays? I'm excited to see everyone's fabulous style!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Poetry Slam: A V O X


I'm screaming. Can you hear me?
I pry open my dry and cracked lips
Exhale. Inhale. Try again.
I'm screaming. Can you hear me?

I can't make a sound.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

All I Want for Xmas is my Sanity Intact!

So I'm gonna be frank and say, I don't like the holiday season. I used to, like, a million years ago before it was complicated by unnecessary family drama, money woes, and work stress. I used to like it before I had to spend it with two different S.O.'s and their own bizarre families. And of course, before I fully understood the evils of consumerism.

But alas....this year I find myself with an unprecedented dilemma.

And it's called a boy.

You guys recall the panic from my last "actual text" post, yeah? All about this fellow. And here's the deal - I was pretty convinced these crazy feelings were entirely one-sided. But now I'm getting slammed by messages from him indicating a pretty intense desire to meet in person and see where things go.

Which has certainly piqued my interest....BUT!

The timing's horrible. Holidays have to be survived first. Mom's having knee replacement surgery after the first of the year. I'm still in recovery from two back-to-back abusive relationships - I'm in no condition to go rushing headfirst into something else, regardless of how fun and harmless it seems right now. So you see? Horrible timing.

And I'm not in any rush. Really, I can admit that. I'm totally cool with just hanging out with people and taking things SUPER SLOW. What happens, happens. Right?

My concern is that this will not be enough for the other parties involved.

So, on one hand things could end up escalating too quickly for me to stop or control, and on the other things could move so slowly that they stagnate and eventually fizzle out. I really don't want either to happen - so how does one find a happy medium?

So, to hell with my two front teeth (familiar with that tune?) what I really want for Christmas is my sanity.

More .gifs

Sunday, December 14, 2014

.gif Dump!

So I was digging around on my external hard drive and found all these .gif files from like a million years ago. So I can see them animated and share them with the rest of you, I'm dumping them here. Please enjoy!

Saturday, December 13, 2014

That Little Bitch Shot Me!!

And by little bitch, I of course mean Cupid. Or Eros. Whichever you prefer. The name Cupid sort of reduces him to something not meant to be taken seriously - and that's really where I'd like to be standing right now.

Because Eros scares the crap out of me and if I'm really in his sights, I'm done for. WHY am I bitching and moaning about the little shithead deity of love? Well, mostly because of the OKCupid shit. And mostly because I, sort of, maybe, met someone I like. Quite a bit...?

Oh gods, I'm doomed! I had all these lofty goals of being single and fabulous for the rest of my life and now there's this....PERSON!...and I just can't. I dunno!

Okay. *takes a deep breath* I'm calm. Totally calm. Cool as a cucumber.

Normally, this wouldn't be a huge deal. I fall in and out of crushes with people all the time. They can last anywhere from a week to just a couple days. Then they pass and it's on to the next lovely human being.

But this one.

Gods, I've already said too much. I mean, we have some pretty intense conversations. And then you get some booze involved and you are vehemently typing your life story out. Like a moron.

What have I done? I'm doomed. Doomed, I tell you. 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Buy my Book for the Holidays!!~

Anything But Monochrome, my kindle book for young adult readers, is only 99 cents and the perfect holiday gift for a spooky teen or preteen. Buy it at the link here:

Click Me Please!

"Anna Capelle doesn't look like your ordinary teenage girl. In fact, she isn't really an ordinary teenage girl at all. But when Anna is uprooted from her comfortable home in New York City, she must learn to adjust to all things ordinary in the small community town of New Hope. 

Come along with this loveable little Goth girl as she navigates the murky waters of dealing with a new school, trying to make friends, and surviving a rather tense home life. The longer she stays in New Hope, though, the more she realizes that nothing is truly ordinary. 

-A unique coming of age story for those who truly don't feel they fit in."

☃ Happy Winter Holidays, everyone! 

Saturday, December 6, 2014 what?

After I broke up with Chris, I made an OKCupid profile. Probably a dumb idea considering I had taken a vow to remain single for(ever) a while. And I'm still upholding that...I've just met some people who are kind of fun.

I genuinely thought I was gonna attract a plethora of creepers. I didn't.

Instead I met two nice guys who actually live in my hometown. I don't think I ever met any of them in person back during high school though, even though I graduated with one of them.

His name is Marcus and he's a fan of SciFi and Steampunk.

The other guy is actually my younger brother's age and is into anime, computers, and cats. Major nod to the "cats" part. But he's nice. And funny.

And there's this fellow from a distance away and he approached with the intent of "text wall racquet ball" - I gave him huge props for verbal creativity there. And so far we've had some pretty interesting discussions.

So here's my dilemma. I like all of these guys, pretty much equally. I'm not interested in dating at the moment and I will probably never be completely monogamous again - that just didn't work for me. But suppose I do want a little something "else" with one or all of them. Do I have to choose?

For those of you who have ventured into the frightening yet exciting realm of online dating, what have your experiences been?

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Fucking Tumblr

So I caved in. I made a Tumblr. Then I realized I needed more than one blog on it for different I have like four Tumblr blogs.

Feel free to follow any and all, if you please. I just thought I'd share links, since I know some of you use that site as well.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

When Life Shits On You

Oh Look, a wig!

A lot of new things have happened to me since my last post here. A lot of personal and not so great things.

Thing, the first: I broke up with my boyfriend. It's something that was a long time in coming and it sort of all came to a head now that I've made a sincere attempt to straighten out my mental health and look into a proper future for myself. The boy has always been toxic to me, but I refused to acknowledge it until I stopped to think about all the times he put me down, killed my confidence, or just generally didn't care about anything I wanted out of life.

It was hard and there was crying involved, and then he wrote my brother a FB message about how much he hated him (which was REALLY uncalled for) but it's been radio silence on my end and I'm glad for that.

Thing, the second: I got myself a job. It's nothing neat or fancy (and I actually kind of hate it) but it's a paycheck and I can start saving up whilst paying off things that need to be paid now.

Thing, the third: I'm taking my fucking life back! Which means redecorating my room, looking at colleges on the west coast, and making an OKcupid profile. That latter actually kind of made me cringe, but I did find some people I already know on there, so it's not horrible. I'm not looking for anything though - just to waste time.

Anywho...the holidays are coming up, so now my mission is to de-stress and learn to love myself and life again.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Basic Bitch: Does it have a Goth equivalent?

Unless you live under a rock (hey, I'm not judging!) you've probably already heard the term "basic bitch" being bandied about. But what is it, exactly?

1. Have you seen Mean Girls? They wear pink on Wednesday's, you know. Basic Bitch.
2. In line at Starbucks, group of girls are instagramming their Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Basic Bitch.
3. Lauren Conrad, and anyone who adores or tries to emulate her. Totally basic.
4. Some of Youtube's most popular beauty gurus are basic bitches - Bethany Mota, Evelina, Michelle Phan, etc.
5. That girl you knew in college who always wore her UGG boots with Victoria's Secret Pink sweatpants and had ZERO personality - that's your basic bitch.

So I got to thinking: is there some kind of equivalent to the basic bitch in the Goth scene? There is and I call it: The Natural Goth. For this person, Goth is the end all, be all of their being - everything about them is Goth. Stereotypically or not.

It's kind of related to the Gothier-than-thou type, but not quite. For the Natural Goth it isn't about being more Goth than someone else, but making sure they're Goth Enough for everyone in the scene.

Do you know someone like this? Were you someone like this back in the day?

How do you recognize the Natural Goth:

 Their tumblr is full of strobe light gifs of horror movie scenes or candles blowing out.

 They constantly complain about how Hot Topic used to be so Goth and what happened?

 They hiss at basic bitches they pass in the street - because it makes them seem so scary!

 All black. Everyday. Black hair. Black eyeballs. Black lips and teeth....the more, the better.

 Constantly telling everyone how Goth they are because they listen to *insert goth band name here* all the time

 They're always telling others how the Goth scene got started, like they were there back in the day.

 They subscribe to some alternative religion, like Wicca or Satanism, for more Goth cred. Jesus Christ is too mainstream, after all.

 They only read "Goth" friendly books or magazines. Same goes for television and movies.

 You never see them in anything other than Whitby Goth worthy style. All Goth all the time. Even if it's 90+ degrees outside.

I'm not saying that being a Natural Goth is a bad thing - it's totally fine if this is just how a person is, naturally. It can be a little annoying sometimes, just like the basic bitch, but essentially they serve as avatars for the community and as long as they're taking it seriously and not parading around like a Mall Goth, then what's the issue?

Disclaimer: The post was purely for fun, not meant to be offensive. If we can't poke at and laugh at each other once in a while, we're a really gloomy bunch. 

Friday, November 7, 2014

Mixed Emotions: Taking Charge of my Life

There comes a time (or two or three) for every girl worth her salt to stop and take stock of her life situation. This is a time when she has to really look hard at the things surrounding her and decide what changes need to be made.

The few of you who follow me on FB know that I finally got a job recently. I just finished my second week of work and got my first paycheck. It was an empowering feeling - my feet still ache and I'm still exhausted, but I'm being paid for it!

It feels like a weight has been lifted. Now I can start making payments on the things I owe - school, the state, etc. I can start clearing away my debts, both physical and mental. I feel like I can start taking care of myself again, that I don't have to always rely on someone else to keep me alive. And with that comes a heady sense of freedom.

I feel like, in a few months to a year, I could just pick up and take off. Save up some money, pay off a few debts, and then just go. I want to leave behind all the bad stuff, the people who are toxic to my well-being, the dead-end I'm facing in this small town - in this miserable state. And suddenly....I can do it.

But that also involves making some really hard choices - especially about letting certain people go and their expected reactions to THAT. I've gotten comfortable in my misery, I've gotten used to my depression and hiding how badly I want to never wake up again. I've come to accept that stress is part of my world view. But it doesn't have to be that way - I can be happy again. I can feel whole and worthy of goodness again. And if that means moving on and away from certain things, then so be it. I am the most important thing in my life and I need to take care of it.

So I'm at that point of consideration where I know things are going to get worse before they get better. It's a volatile combination of emotions.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Extra Life Charity Live Stream - MAX!!!!

So one of my favorite Youtube gamers is running a live stream charity at Twitch HQ this weekend and the gist was - if they managed to hit their goal of $20,000 Max would shave his facial hair off. Completely off.

I've been following this guy's Youtube career for a while and I've NEVER seen him without the beard. Never. So here goes:

With a pair of clippers and his girlfriends compact mirror, he shaved away, catching the excess hairs in a garbage pail between his legs. MLG, for sure.

He did some playing around of course, and had a lot of fun with the handle-bar mustache look for about five minutes. And then the time came and the mustache vanished.

It's like a completely different dude sitting there! My first thought was that he resembled the "model" guy from 10 Things I Hate About You. But you know what, the look is kind of growing on me. His gf, Renee, is not feeling so generous. ^_^

If you're curious, Extra Life is a charity created by gamers to raise money for children in need - those who are hospitalized or suffering from diseases. All money raised goes to this organization and if you donate $100 or more, you get a shout-out from Max and a chance to win some cool gear. So incentives aplenty - not that people need them.

The stream is still currently running, so pop on over and have a look for yourself!