For the past couple of weeks, my depression has been getting worse. I was really hesitant to bring it up on my blog because I know people in the past have gotten flack for "airing their dirty laundry", so to speak. But not many people read this blog and those who do regularly know me fairly well and know that I've been having problems in the past, so it's nothing new.
For the past couple of weeks I've been going to bed hoping I don't wake up in the morning. I'm just so tired and frustrated all the time and all I want to do is stay curled up in bed and not face the world at all. I haven't been making it to classes much lately and that's been getting me into trouble as well. I'm behind in some homework and what's still piling up just adds to the stress of feeling like I'm being buried. It's so hard to be motivated and work on anything when you just don't care what happens anymore.
It's hard to talk to anyone because if they aren't going through it then they don't understand it. I know they mean well when they tell me to talk to someone or have my medication altered or try to do something positive and productive during the day. I know they mean well and I appreciate it, but it doesn't always help. Sometimes it makes it worse because it just reminds me of how far I have yet to go or what I haven't yet achieved.
Yesterday, things started boiling over. I was feeling mildly homicidal. My cat hissed at me a few times yesterday when I went to visit her. I had a rather bleak conversation with a friend. Some asshat cat-called me from his car when I was walking home. I just wanted to beat the life out of someone and it was SO HARD to reign in that impulse. I felt like I wasn't myself and it scared me.
I don't think my meds are helping anymore. I still take them but I don't see a difference. I still cry everyday. I still feel hopeless and lost and alone. I still have no motivation. So I've decided maybe relying solely on the medication isn't the best option. I want to take steps to become a healthier person. I want to exercise more and get fit again. I want to eat better. I want to socialize and make friends I can count on and trust. I want to become a better student. I just need....some support and motivation.
If you have any ideas that you think would help me, please feel free to leave a comment below. I could use all the help I can get these days.