Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Going off the Deep End

For the past couple of weeks, my depression has been getting worse. I was really hesitant to bring it up on my blog because I know people in the past have gotten flack for "airing their dirty laundry", so to speak. But not many people read this blog and those who do regularly know me fairly well and know that I've been having problems in the past, so it's nothing new.

For the past couple of weeks I've been going to bed hoping I don't wake up in the morning. I'm just so tired and frustrated all the time and all I want to do is stay curled up in bed and not face the world at all. I haven't been making it to classes much lately and that's been getting me into trouble as well. I'm behind in some homework and what's still piling up just adds to the stress of feeling like I'm being buried. It's so hard to be motivated and work on anything when you just don't care what happens anymore.

It's hard to talk to anyone because if they aren't going through it then they don't understand it. I know they mean well when they tell me to talk to someone or have my medication altered or try to do something positive and productive during the day. I know they mean well and I appreciate it, but it doesn't always help. Sometimes it makes it worse because it just reminds me of how far I have yet to go or what I haven't yet achieved. 

Yesterday, things started boiling over. I was feeling mildly homicidal. My cat hissed at me a few times yesterday when I went to visit her. I had a rather bleak conversation with a friend. Some asshat cat-called me from his car when I was walking home. I just wanted to beat the life out of someone and it was SO HARD to reign in that impulse. I felt like I wasn't myself and it scared me.

I don't think my meds are helping anymore. I still take them but I don't see a difference. I still cry everyday. I still feel hopeless and lost and alone. I still have no motivation. So I've decided maybe relying solely on the medication isn't the best option. I want to take steps to become a healthier person. I want to exercise more and get fit again. I want to eat better. I want to socialize and make friends I can count on and trust. I want to become a better student. I just need....some support and motivation.

If you have any ideas that you think would help me, please feel free to leave a comment below. I could use all the help I can get these days. 


  1. As far as advices goes, all I have to offer is my own experience with depression. Well, no, that’s not true, I did spent years studying help therapy, in many different forms but without a full consultation and paper work, I am not ethically allowed to give health advices.
    But I can cheat the system and tell you what helped me in my darkest days and still does when I feel like total shit.

    I work out, a lot. Maybe 5 to 6 hours a week. That’s including my morning yoga. Half an hour every day. Okay, sometime I skip Sundays.

    I also mediated, about 15 minutes in the morning after the yoga, and another 15 minutes before going to bed, this also helps me falling asleep, I have terrible insomnia otherwise.
    Also, for the sleeping problems, Valeriane, in any form, awesome.

    I use to get acupressure every other week too, that helped, along with the talk therapy.

    I also cut my hair very short, I needed to see change happening, so, I think you’re good for the hair part.

    I try to take myself out on a date/adventure a couple of time a month, do something special for me.

    Also, hypnotherapy. Self-hypnosis works wonderfully for me. I love it so much; I got my certification in hypnotherapy to complete my diploma in natural health. I could send you some of the scripts I use, if you’d like.

    This is probably the longest comment I left on a blog, sorry about that.

  2. Everyone has bad days. Some have worse bad days than others. I've gone through clinical depression, self-harm, suicide attempts and mental health problems, come out the other side, and can say that it CAN get better. I've been in the black pit where it doesn't seem that there are any ways out, any sunshine, anything left to hope for, where all I've wanted to do is curl up in a corner and disappear, and while I still have my miserable days, now I am generally quite a chirpy, happy sort of person.

    Last time I felt like genuinely wanted to hurt someone, I took my frustrations out by repeatedly stabbing a cardboard box and yelling at it until I felt better. Sometimes destroying something inanimate, something I'm allowed to trash, lets me get the anger out, lets me get that visceral wrecking-stuff feeling out, without actually hurting anyone or breaking anything that's not supposed to get broken. Taking old bottles to the glass recycling for smashing is does that AND does something green, so that's my favourite.

    Exercise is good, it releases endorphins and makes you feel happier as well as gets your body healthier. I'd pick a sport that's enjoyable and where the club has a good social atmosphere. For example, with the Nasty Nessies (Roller derby team) they're great fun to be around and practices are always really enjoyable, as well as the exercise being good for me, and me having in an interest in the sport.

  3. Uhm, this is my first comment and I don't know if you care about my advice :/ by the way... I don't know what could help in times like these, because what would help me may be useless for you. But I think that you should consider the fact that, despite all that's happening to you, you're still here, and this means you have the strength to go through all this and go on. Maybe you're not entirely in control of your life and work right now, but one day you will wake up and do all the school work you haven't done until now; it will be hard, but it can't be impossible. And then you'll feel better.
    I hope you'll be fine!

  4. I have been in your place countless times. As recent as a few months ago. I can entirely relate to your situation. I know things can seem bleak and hopeless sometimes, but there is ALWAYS something you can do about it. There are resources everywhere: you just have to muster the motivation to look them up for yourself. Support groups, the counseling center, that one girl you know who might understand you, anyone or anything. You never know what might lift your spirits. For me, I started getting serious about my future. What and who I wanted to be. I started getting involved in things that invested in my future and soon I was out of the slump. the same thing might not work for you, but I encourage you to try everything you can. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. I'm not just saying that; I truly mean it.
    p.s. I have been too busy to write back to you, but I will as sooooon as I can!